OK, I’ve given it a couple of listens and will try my best here.
Firstly Jeff, well done for choosing a great tune.
It really is not an easy tune to pull off; which brings me to my first point.
If you could construct even the most basic backing track; just a keyboard holding down the changes and providing the root bass note of each change, it would be a great help.
Any tune with lyrics…rule number one.
KNOW THE LYRICS !!!!!!!

1. Your tone is coming on great Jeff. At the risk of boring repetition, blow THROUGH THE HORN, breathing from the diaphragm, pushing from the pelvic floor. That will make the hook…..” Shine on you crazy diamond ” soar. That’s exactly what it needs to do. The ” shine ” needs that push. Its sounding tentative. No worries man, its a first take.

2. No real issues. The mid range, sounds great. The upper and lower notes; again, a trifle tentative. In tune, but again needing more ” warm air ”

3. This is where the keyboard, and either a click track, or metronome would be a great help. Pulling off ” a capella ” saxophone, is tremendously difficult. I play ” still crazy ” by Paul Simon ” a capella “. Again ; knowing the words, the story its telling is vital. For it to flow in a rhythmic sense will come in time. I’m not sure where to put this, but , I would ease off on the tounging ( sic ) a little. Shine on you cr ( tounged)…. then Diamond could come as the D tongued, and then it should fall; second syllable toungued. ( when the diamond is finished; there are three lower notes. I don’t have an instrument to hand, but I’m sure you can hear them.

4. This is very difficult. Essentially listen to the Floyd track, and you will hear the rising and falling cadences. Starts off pretty quietly…
” remember when you were young ”
” you shone like the sun”….build up a dynamic.
Diaphragm push….” SHINE ON ( in four four…1\2 )
You ( offbeat )CRAA AA ( 3\4) zy ( offbeat).
DI I A MOND ( baa ba ba baa ). I can kind of visualise it written with the emphasis on the D.
I’m going no further there as I’m pretty sure it would be a falling triplet, followed by another ( those three lower notes, I mentioned ). You have the dots Jeff, it would be interesting to know if I’m right.

5. For a first effort. Fabulous Jeff. An overall conclusion. RELAX !! Don’t clip the notes. Remember that slow 4\4 pulse, and literally sway with that pulse…side to to side. Its most certainly coming man. Well done , keep at it !!

Dependant on how it is written, the shine on could be a half note ( minim ); followed by a eighth note ( quaver ) etc. I’m going by feel.

Your most welcome Jeff. Scratch the minim \ quaver. Totally wrong !! Dotted crotchet \ quaver…my apologies !!

Quaver \ triplet….( diamond ). AAAGHHH !!!!
LOL !!